My addiction was one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me. It took me a few years to realize it, but what a gift it has been. You see, the root of addiction is lack of connection with yourself. I searched outside of myself for my connection, worth, value, & purpose. And there was no way I’d ever find it there…

I had a very different kind of addiction than most people are used to. It was one based on my own internal chemicals. I would get hits off of drama, specifically from relationships. After a very painful divorce, I chose a couple tumultuous relationships. I can clearly see now that this was due to unresolved emotion. It was a wound that I kept active, kind of like a canker sore that you keep poking with your tongue. Yup…still there & it hurts like hell…

My personal pain was just directing me to what I needed to heal, yet I wasn’t getting the message. I just created more drama & got hits that momentarily covered the pain…the pain of not knowing my own worth & always looking for validation outside of myself. Some of you reading this may have no idea what I’m talking about & think I sound like a nut job, yet I suspect quite a few people reading this might see how their own patterns parallel my story.

After 5 years of no contact, the person that I dated that was the last straw for me, the one that the push/pull of the relationship was too much to bear, the one that was there when I was at rock bottom, contacted me. My first reaction was…whaaaat? I was feeling a cocktail of emotions. I took some time to process what was going on inside & it dawned on me how grateful I am for that relationship. Did it suck? Hell yea. Was it painful? Absolutely. But ya know what, it was that rock bottom that got me to the point where I knew I HAD to do things differently. It was the catalyst for a new, healthy journey that has brought me so much clarity, freedom, joy, & love. Because I now see everything in my own experience starts with me. How I feel about myself is the thermostat for EVERYTHING I perceive outside of me. If you’re there…rad, keep doin it. If you’re not, I promise you, there’s hope.

I love knowing that I can simultaneously be thankful for a person’s part in my journey while not having them back in my life.

I said it before, & I’ll say it again..it’s amazing how those unbelievably painful experiences can turn out to be the greatest gift….